Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Your penis caused this!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
