Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
