Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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