I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
