I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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