I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
