He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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