I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
