wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Girls should come with a carfax report
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
