$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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