I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
