i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
