My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize