did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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