We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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