Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
