no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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