I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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