we have pet lesbian snakes
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
