Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
