Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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