there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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