I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
