I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
