She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
