I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
