it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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