why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize