I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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