so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
