turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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