i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
