Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
