the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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