It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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