I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
