i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
