I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
