Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
