I hate all girls vehemently.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
