Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize