At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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