Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
