Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
