Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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