I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
