my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
