I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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