I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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