We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
