Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
