Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
did i just pee glitter
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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