i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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