I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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