The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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