the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
