I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
