Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He shit in the fireplace
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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